No. This means that, instead of focusing on the occasional disappointment, I can be grateful for the positive acts of love: every spouse stumbles, but not every spouse acts so kindly. I believe, even though Jesus walked the earth as a male, He is our example and the One to keep our eyes on. Yes… critical, blaming behavior can come from either side. So much cannot be expressed in a comment. It is not uncommon for a negative, fault-finding spouse to avoid changing at the beginning of therapy, primarily because they don't want to. Proverbs 14:1 says: You are very right, reacting cold, angry and distant hasn’t brought different results. Surround yourself with good Christian/ A simple look, tone of voice, or just their demeanor can throw you into a negative spiral, leaving both of you in a huff. Does that mean we should put up with any type of abusive behavior from a negative mate? From a very early age, we learn to act or not act a certain way because a behavior benefits us. Most women do not marry the man they have as much as the man they want or expect him to be. I don’t want to endure more.Then I think outside my selfish world and I know I am blessed in so many ways and I feel ashamed for acting ungrateful. It takes self control (a fruit of the spirit) to manage one’s own attitude and behavior in a Godly, centered way when a spouse is acting out. I am in a similar situation. The way to overcome the long journey of cptsd is remaining mindful of feelings and perception vs reality and how that influences our behavior…often projected negatively. Then the church would have to start teaching equality in marriage. Jenny needed patience, prayer, and love. It’s perfect for this situation. People love being around positive people, so to help you be more positive, here are the top 13 Bible verses about being positive that are found in Scripture. Even at an early age, women start to get an idea of what they want their man, their marriage, and, consequently, their life to be. In Malachi 2:16, God outright says, “I hate divorce.” It would seem that this would automatically preclude any thoughts of divorce, no matter what your spouse’s offense. 50 pages. See yourself throwing the net of positive loving energy over your mate and yourself, so that it will allow him/her to release the negativity in a net of safety and acceptance. For women, things are a little different as romance starts in the mind, and, after that, she can make her eyes work from there. The Holy Spirit can help us get control of our own triggers. Hello, thank you for this and the emails, they’re great, I’m buying the book soon. The Bible reminds us that “It is MORE blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).That’s just how the spiritual laws work! However, there are a lot of Bible verses that talk about positive thinking or can serve to lift us up. You need to SHARE it. But, in a difficult marriage, acting according to these very same feelings will only serve to drive away any hope of success. The problem after awhile, is that I feel like I will drown if I stay on that bridge. Don’t do that. This raises vibration between the two of you, and floods him or her with your loving, positive energy. Not until I told him I would not continue to live that way did he begin to soften and try harder to be kinder. We don’t communicate, no intimacy at all. The thing is it is not natural for me to be that way, anything I do that resembles strength is really anger, thankfully God has given me the wisdom to be courteous even in my anger, however, I strongly dislike myself when I’m angry and it saddens me. But, in a difficult marriage, acting according to these very same feelings will only serve to drive away any hope of success. We could also have a long discussion as to why a person would marry someone who continually shows their disapproval, and the reasons are similar. Learn more about how to fight for your marriage without fighting with one another - Straight to your inbox, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Receive more marriage help from Dr. Raymond Force - Straight to your inbox, Come Join Us in Edenton, NC, November 8th - Learn More, Marriage Emphasis Sunday, November 8th, Edenton, NC, Kentucky How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conference, Missouri / Iowa How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conference, Phone Counseling, Christian Marriage Counselor, Online, Life Coach, Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues. The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 that the Lord will “keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed” upon Him because he trusts in Him. It summarizes all the information in this long, comprehensive guide in a handy, checklist-type PDF. You don’t become happy by being selfish. Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today/Marriage Partnership magazine. He was not impatient or critical, though He did express anger to pharisees at one point, but for a much greater cause than personal disredpect. All of these changes come about by patience, faith, and love. Above all, as the apostle Paul wrote, we must love. Jenny would best be described as a pessimist. How about telling women to be strong and stand up for themselves. She even had a caring husband, two healthy children, and was very "needed" at her church. You must ask, "How can I love my mate more consistently? A backstage snapshot of relational advice from this celebrity couple. Remember, the only change you can control is what you do. They were even able to form a marital pact in which they agreed to help each other lovingly in their attempts to change. Secretly give them a spinal flush, stay free of their energy, and drop positive energy bombs into their thought fields. Yes God will help me. Latetly I am so tired of being loving and courteous, I’m young yet I feel tired and rundown. There will be times when negative thoughts can be based on truth and need to be addressed with your spouse. Therapy for them had two challenges. It is there that she will prove the depth of her wisdom or the lack thereof. "And she is still the same!" I need help with a lot of things. It is common for someone to whom I've given this counsel to come storming into my office and declare that loving his mate unconditionally "did not work." When we think that we know better and try … When you speak negatively of your spouse to others, you do a number of things. Any proposal to better their marriage was instantly met with a dozen reasons why it wouldn't work. Not being a victim goes hand in hand with everything mentioned before. When these fail to measure up to their expectations, women are tempted to make what I call the mistake of mistakes by becoming a negative wife. Stop, that’s the only one that’s…stop trying to get them to be positive. No one should sacrifice themselves on the altar of marriage. With time, the atmosphere of the marriage began to change. She was attractive, lived in a nice house, and didn't need to worry about money. Way to go! For me, even though it’s not easy, I find the answer is learning to walk in my own spiritual authority in prayer. Join in the conversation on Facebook or Twitter. Serving others will bring love, joy and peace into your life and reward you with a positive view of your role in God’s Church. Nor is it helpful for women who may be cptsd. A baby cries and gets fed; a child brings home a good report card and gets praised; an adult works hard and gets promoted and a raise; and a person learns to see things from a negative vantage point because that is what their family did, it brought them attention, or it is where they find confidence or validate their lack of confidence. How about telling abuse victims to not stay in their dysfunctional (abusive ) marriage. We have much more power and authority than we realize sometimes. See the big picture. Your spouse will have a hard time accepting that he … Stay home and monitor your health. With that in mind, would this book be helpful for us? However, if you spiral into negative thinking and negative actions, then you can only expect that negative thinking will continue. Great job! It is a learning process. Reasons for Jenny's pessimism were easy to discover. Even though that’s the way my husband behaves himself, someone has to take “the higher road”. After the first week, we have basically been living as roommates. It is the way they feel most secure in life. That being the case, the other spouse is often left wondering, "Is there anything I can do that can encourage them, help me, and ultimately improve our marriage?" How about telling women that the answer is not to submit more and their husband will stop. The only guarantee is that God loves you both despite your shortcomings. Combined with the cognitive adjustments she made by connecting past experiences with her present outlook, Jenny began to see life—albeit slowly at first —from a more positive perspective. Not proceeding with wisdom can be dangerous. CT's weekly newsletter to help women grow their marriage and family relationships through biblical principles. Number three. However, having fun, being open to communication, and enjoying each other are some of the keys to a healthy and happy marriage. I try to support him and his grief, but I feel alone in mine. Seek to Understand: Life is difficult. I must let you know that in all my life and all the advice and articles I have read I have never seen anyone so on point on both sides. Yet again the victim is blamed for the dysfunction. As Ron's love became more secure and "safe" for Jenny, the need to protect herself by expecting the worse began to diminish. Try these "best practice" tips. Blessings and peace. Which brings up the question, "What do you do if, despite your best efforts, your negative spouse remains negative?" She also fails to see how ineffective her emotional responses prove to be. Be a source of positivity in your family, school, workplace, and community. I notice when I decide to not let my circumstances control my identity, I can live my life based on the confidence of knowing who I am in Christ- because unlike my circumstances- He is constant-MY constant. Dr. Tim A. Gardner is author of Sacred Sex (WaterBrook) and Director of The Marriage Education and Policy Center at the Indiana Family Institute (an affiliate of Focus on the Family). In this case, Jenny did begin to change. Sometimes we just need that little boost, especially when we're traversing through times of … You are anointed to do this. As a child, she had been molested by a family member, the pet dog in whom she had found security ran away, and, when she was a teenager, her father had several affairs and left the family to live with a woman 15 years younger than he. It is understood as to why some women feel hurt, betrayed, and devalued. I think I’ll stick to support groups, my bible and a discerning of interpretation by the Spirit. Your email address will not be published. And to provide hope, I can honestly say that everybody I've ever encountered who committed to loving their negative mate over the long haul without expectation of return, has received a positive return—even if that return was only a peace within themselves that comes from loving our mates as God intended. This fits my marriage to a T, with the exception that it’s my husband behaving in the “woman” role. I’m reading it now (and I am NOT a reader) and I have cried knowing that aome of these passages were exactly what I need at this very moment. Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women. That being the case, the other spouse is often left wondering, "Is there anything I can do that can encourage them, help me, and ultimately improve our marriage?" We report on news and give our opinion on topics such as church, family, sexuality, discipleship, pop culture, and more! Fear can come in variations such as shame (fear of a perception), or inadequacy (fear of not being good enough). Something else, it is as if you can see the hearts of both parties. In those cases, it’s important to take action! I'll ask. To be honest, and I say this as supportively as possible, some women are downright foolish in how they choose to fight for their marriage. When these two do not agree, many of these same women are tempted to try to bring about change or defend their cause by picking up what I call the sword of negativity. I wonder if others do, too? But, I have found that where women err is not how they cause dysfunction as much as how they react to it. Let go of judging or thinking that you know better. From a very early age, we learn to act or not act a certain way because a behavior benefits us. Sometimes the wife has to be the one to say them. My husband and I have been married 22 years. 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